It’s taken me a while to be okay with our friendship ending. Most of my childhood and young adult life are littered with memories we shared. I remember everything – almost every detail. When we parted ways, I fell into a depression and couldn’t even say your name– it was like I’d lost you and I guess, I did. At the time, I didn’t think it was over, I thought it was just a fight that we’d get over. Messages and apologies were left unanswered and I had to realize, slowly, that you had moved on. Sometimes, friendships aren’t meant to last forever, but I thought ours was. I imagined us as old spinsters sharing a condo sharing stories of our kids and gossip of the community. In a way, you were my person and one I thought I’d grow old with, but it didn’t happen that way. Instead of being sad it ended, I’ve tried to be happy that it happened, because there was some really great stuff to it. So, this letter is for you. I hope it finds and that when you read it, know that I only meant love
Dear B,
I wish we were still in each other’s lives. I think about you often, hoping that you’re doing well, that you’re happy, and that maybe, you think of me too. You weren’t there for my pregnancy, my daughter’s birth, or her surgery that shook my world. I wonder what I’ve missed with you. It hurts my heart to know that I will miss so many big things in your life and you’re missing mine. Growing old together isn’t going to happen. The hardest thing I had to accept was that our friendship wasn’t for life like most friendships are. There was an expiration date.
I look at my daughter and know that I’ll tell her stories of my childhood and that those stories will mostly include you. For a while after, I honestly thought I’d never bring you up, that saying your name was to painful, but just because our friendship ended, it doesn’t mean our friendship wasn’t good. I’ll tell my daughter (by the way, her name’s Rylan and she kinda looks like my sister), our stories of watching movies till we passed out, walking around our small hometown, and the years of memories we made. How you were there for me during bright and dark times of my life and for that, I’m forever grateful. I will tell her of our dancing and singing at the top of our lungs. I know there were times I took you for granted, but you did me too. How our friendship naturally went through ebbs and flows because life happens and that’s okay, but we always picked up where we left off. (Part of me hopes that will happen in the future).
I also her how I hurt you and apologized, but it wasn’t enough. How, despite my apologies, you were done and ready to let me go. That maybe, I loved you and our friendship a little more than you did. I feel sad and mad that someone who has been in my life since before puberty could drop me without even a word. I didn’t even know we were so bad until there was a birthday and no birthday wish. Until I had to demand you respond to me. At least you could have given me the decency of saying goodbye. To let me know our friendship was over, not just disappear. Then again, there are no hard and set rules to ending friendships. It’s not like a breakup, but then it is. But now, some many years later, it’s okay.
I am forever grateful of our friendship, the lessons it taught me, and the impression you made on my heart. I’m also grateful to finally put these feelings into a “letter” because it honestly feels like closure I never had. I had this hurt sitting and now, it’s significantly less. Wishing you all the best and if, by chance, we run into each other, I hope there’s a kind smile among two people who used to know everything about each other, but no longer do – that there’s still a bit of love for one another because we had something so many don’t – friendship.
xo, Christie
Have you ever had to say goodbye to a friend for good or bad? What would you say to an ex-
friend? Comment below.
